April 17, 2012 AN AFTERNOON BATHROOM HORROR STORY OMG I am super embarrassed!!!! Hyperventilating. Just. A. Little. OK, I should back it up a bit. So as we all know, I don’t have an iPhone, and I am tragically without a cool cell phone ear piece thingy. I might as well go to school in a horse-drawn carriage, because I make my calls from a phone with a cord…attached to the wall at my house. OK, so we have a cordless phone, too, but it’s so NOT a cell!! I feel almost a little sick saying this, but the only way people can reach me via telephonic means is to call me on my landline. Some people don’t even have those anymore. How old-fashioned is my family?? The horror! I feel so ashamed! Anywho, this afternoon, I got home from school and ran to the bathroom. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go! After I…you know…I noticed my mom bought this weird face mask thingy. I’ve seen girls wearing these things in movies a million times before, and usually I laugh at how ridonculous they look. But I was kind of curious. Obvs there must be a reason women put gunk like that on their face. I had to find out! So I did. I got a big gooey glob of this green junk and slathered it all over my cheeks and forehead. It felt kind of cold and slimy, like a mashed up toad right out of the freezer, and I looked just like the Wicked Witch of the West. Also I was kind of having trouble breathing since I got some of it up my nose, but I read in one of my mom’s magazines that you have to suffer to be beautiful. Breathing is so overrated, anyways! I read on the back of the tube that you’re supposed to let the mask dry and then peel it off to reveal super smooth skin underneath. While I was waiting, I grabbed my sparkly Justin Bieber nail polish (which by the way, is kind of nuts. What’s he gonna sell next—Bieber lip gloss? Bieber Q-tips? Bieber deodorant?) I figured if I was getting all pretty, I might as well give myself a pedicure and a manicure. Once I finished, I heard the phone ring. Brianna screamed, “Sissy!!!!! It’s Zooooooeeeeeey!!!” I clearly couldn’t come to the phone with my face, hands, and toes all wet, so I yelled, “Take a meeeeeessaaaage!” Then I remembered Zoey was probably calling to get homework assignments since she wasn’t in school today, so I should really hurry up to call her back. I grabbed the hair dryer to move the whole process along, but I must have had way too much mask on…because it started melting down my face! The phone rang again but I didn’t hear it because of the blow dryer, and I also didn’t hear Brianna yelling my name over and over like a crazy person. Apparently she didn’t hear the blow dryer, because as soon as I shut it off, I heard her banging on the door. Then she yelled, “Nikki! You’ve been on the toilet for like 30 minutes now, and it’s Brandon on the phone!!” I opened the door, planning to give her the ugliest annoyed stink eye I could muster, when I saw it—the worst thing in the history of really bad things. Brianna was standing in front of the door holding out cordless phone! And Brandon was waiting for me! Arrrrrgh!!! I stared Brianna right in the eye like a super mean-spirited staring contest, and mouthed the words, “I’m not here!” Even though they made no sounds, it was like I was spitting the words through clenched teeth. That’s how mad I was! Then Brianna was all like, “Oh it looks like it was my Dad stinking up the bathroom.” Then she covered the phone with her hand and said, “Sowwwwyyy Nikki!!” After I cleaned my face and called him back, I laughed it off like some ridiculous big joke. What else could I possibly do? But DANG was it embarrassing!!!!