I AM THE WORST COOK EVER!!

Last night my mom was all like, “I have a great idea! Monday night should be Nikki night. That means you get to cook dinner EVERY Monday!”

She said it all enthusiastic, like she was offering to buy me backstage passes to a Taylor Swift concert, but to me it sounded like, “I have a great idea! Monday night should be root canal night. That means you get to have a severe toothache and dentist-related psychological trauma EVERY Monday!”

She must have thought I’d get a kick out of making a meal for the whole family, but boy was she wrong!

I mean, I’m a big fan of food…but EATING IT, not cooking it! If I could eat in a restaurant for every meal, I would, because then I’d never have to cook AND I’d never have to wash a single dish. How awesome would that be??

We have a dishwasher and all…but carrying dishes to the dishwasher is nowhere near as fun as saying, “Yes, I’m finished with my steak. Can I see the dessert menu please??”

Anyways, it looks like Monday is my night to cook now. I don’t really know how to cook. My mom’s tried to teach me stuff, but I usually just say, “Uh huh” while I daydream about Brandon. (He looked SO cute today!)

Last night she told me to make pasta because it would be super easy, but then I kind of wanted a challenge.

I figured, if I have to cook every week, I might as well use this opportunity to prep myself for a BIG WIN on Top Chef some day. (Maybe all the “Top” reality TV people hang out together, so I’ll get to meet Tyra!!)

So I decided to make burgers and fries. (Probably not going to win me the big money on Top Chef, but hey you got to start somewhere….and burgers are TOTALLY worth cooking for!)

Brianna was all like, “Miss Penelope wants to help!”

When my mom wants me to help her with cooking, she’s always like, “Boy I sure could use another set of hands in the kitchen!”

That’s because a SET of hands can be kind of useful when they’re not attached to a clumsy wacko child. But ONE hand that thinks it’s a person is SO NOT HELPFUL!

Brianna started “eating” all my ingredients with her hand, which made a huge mess of the kitchen. Seriously, there was raw meat everywhere. So gross!

Then she decided to make food art on the wall. She was squirting the ketchup and mustard like it was paint. What’s wrong with that girl?!? She was like, “Yay! Fun! Play Nikki, we’ll clean it later!”

I was getting super annoyed so I yelled, “What’s wrong with you?!?! Mom’s going to FLIP!!”

Then she started crying and ran out the door.

It took me 20 minutes to clean it all up. Since Brianna put her germy little hands in pretty much all the meat, I couldn’t make burgers anymore, so I had to go with pasta. LAME!

How am I ever going to win Top Chef with a big mushy plate of carbs? A monkey could make that blindfolded!!

So that was the first weekly Nikki night. Mom oohed and aahed like I made a culinary masterpiece. I could have served her a can of strained pea baby food and she probably would have pretended it was awesome.

Mom always tries to make me feel good when I try new stuff, which is actually pretty nice of her.

I guess I should come up with some ideas for the next couple of Mondays. What do you guys think? Do you ever make dinner for your family? Right now, I’m the worst cook ever so I totally need some help!!