July 13, 2016 My Parents Won’t Stop Comparing Me to My Sister!!! Hi Nikki! My younger sister and I play three instruments each. We both play the piano and the violin, and then I learn the harp, while she learns the cello. The problem is, my parents and our violin teacher constantly compare my violin-playing skills to my sister’s and say she plays much better than I do, even though she’s younger. I’m already trying my best, but they don’t seem to understand! I’m even thinking of quitting the violin. What should I do? Music Maniac Hi Music Maniac! WOW!! I am SO impressed! I can’t even play ONE instrument, never mind THREE!!! I wish you’d been around when I formed my band! You must really love music. At least, I’m guessing you do since you signed your letter from Music Maniac. So music’s not something your parents are pushing you to do, right? You actually love it? (If you don’t love it, I think now’s the time to sit down with your parents and tell them how you really feel. But I’m going to continue with this answer assuming you DO love it.) It’s never fun to be compared to a sibling. Or anyone, really, but ESPECIALLY a sibling, and SUPER ESPECIALLY a younger sibling. Everyone expects an older sibling to be better at things, JUST because they’re older. But really? She might be better at violin for a bunch of different reasons. Maybe she has more time to practice it. Maybe she loves it more, so she really dedicates herself to it, while you spend more time on piano or harp. Maybe the fact that she plays cello gives her an advantage when learning the violin. (I know nothing about instruments, but isn’t a cello basically…a giant violin?) You’re probably laughing at me now. That’s okay. But it goes to show how much better you are at ALL MUSIC than I am. You’re probably way ahead of most people reading this. So anyway, the first thing is for you to be comfortable with where your sister is at with the violin. If you’re both working hard—and it sounds like you are—it doesn’t matter who’s “better.” Now, if only your parents and teacher understood that, right? I wonder why they make those comparisons. Maybe they’re trying to inspire you to push harder/practice more/do whatever they think it takes to be the best? It’s serious if it’s gotten to the point where you’re considering quitting violin, and I’m sure that’s not what your parents or teacher want. So, I think you should sit down with your parents and teacher and say something like, “When you compare me to my sister, it doesn’t make me want to do better. It makes me want to stop playing violin. I’m trying my hardest and would really like if you tried not to compare us.” I think this can apply to a lot of other situations, too. Parents compare kids in all sorts of ways. So do teachers and coaches. And when that happens, I think these are the steps: Try not to let it bother you. Remind yourself that you can only do the best you can, and you can’t control how other people do. ALSO, other people doing well shouldn’t take away from your own achievements. Like, if I do ten pull-ups in PE (ha ha, NOT!), and then someone comes along and does 11, that’s great for them, but I STILL DID TEN! And that’s still amazing! (And pretty much impossible! ) Talk about your feelings. If it’s possible (and hopefully it’s always possible, with parents), let them know you’re trying your hardest. Tell them you know they mean well and are trying to help motivate you, but you’d feel more motivated without comparisons. If you are in a situation where you really can’t express your feelings to the person doing the comparing, find a way to express it another way. Maybe write in a diary, or go for a run, or complain to a friend. Whatever you do, don’t let it bottle up until you do something drastic (like quit violin)!! Try not to make comparisons yourself. You might not be aware of doing it, but chances are you make your own comparisons. You might not be able to control whether or not other people compare you unfairly, but you can at least be sure you don’t do it to yourself! I hope that helps and that you’re able to communicate to your parents and teacher that you’re doing your best. I’m sure they know that already, but I hope they can make you FEEL it!! Readers, what are some other ways that parents, teachers, or coaches compare you? How do you respond?
love god says July 27, 2016 at 3:44 pm you should just try your best man you should never quit what you love don’t care what other people say well sometimes you should but beilive in your yourself and just wait and see
Four Leaf Clover says July 27, 2016 at 10:02 am Whatever u do,just make sure it makes u happy and always keep on smiling because that’s what makes u beautiful.
theres no fear!!!!!!!!!!! says July 27, 2016 at 9:25 am theres no fear ! because ”theres no fear” is here!!!!!!!!! just say to your parents well i’m trying my best an if your good at violin don’t stop please you should not care what bad things your parents say about your violin p.s I think your probly GUREAT
choco fan says July 27, 2016 at 2:27 am whenever my grandfather meets really smart kids he compares me with them he says i should try harder. im pretty smart i get positions in the first three,but no try harder.
Anonymous says July 26, 2016 at 9:23 pm I know how u feel. It can really suck but I think Nikki has some good advice
Anonymous says July 26, 2016 at 4:54 pm Im a alsó a big sister and im ms.perfect but im not! I dont like sports and my sister does and she actually goes to competions. Wherever all good ar things. Thats what make us especial!
Anonymous says July 26, 2016 at 4:35 pm YOU GO GIRL! You play the instruments when I can’t pick up a violin! You shouldn’t let the comparing get to you! Maybe your parents and teacher are comparing you to make do even better than better, to push you to the limits! Hope this helped!
Dorky Girl says July 26, 2016 at 2:06 pm I have the same problem except that she is 8 and knows how to ride a bike and loves to do chores and well I don’t know to ride a bike or do chores
No Namer says July 25, 2016 at 11:57 am My mum used to always compare me to my cousin (who is the same age as me) in studies, so I just said all the things that I am better at than him and made her stop comparing me to him PLUS it made me feel better. If Nikki’s advice doesn’t work try this, it always works for me!
Loveheart says July 25, 2016 at 11:51 am My mum always compares me to my cousin in studies and I just point out all the things that I can do better then him which sort of annoys her, but it makes me feel good which is more important than her being mean to me. Maybe you should try it! By the way I am also Maybe-Maybe not so read my letter if you want to, guys!!
??? says July 25, 2016 at 4:08 am awwww poor you! Dun worry I feel the same when I get compared with my brother with piano… I mean srsly he is like 17 and I am 13! so dun worry just think of it as they are working for you
TheDorkyDonut says July 24, 2016 at 2:48 pm Same but they use my cousins and friends and I am kinda rude about it I just say so I’m not them and ur stuck with me
biggest sister ever says July 24, 2016 at 1:07 pm I know what that feels like by having 3 sibings but I have learned how to work threw it and you can learn how to to
Dork says July 24, 2016 at 8:46 am The same thing happened to me with singing, piano and guitar. All three, both my sister and I do but she got to go to more privates. I told my Mom that I wanted to go. I had been practising a LOT longer than her, so my Mom splits it between us cause she doesn’t like us competing. One week I’d go and the next she would. while one of us was getting privates the other would practise at homd
Dorky Cat says July 24, 2016 at 4:59 am Tell your parents that you really don’t like how they compare you to your sister and that just because you are older that doesn’t mean you should be better because different people have different talents