OMG!! I can FINALLY write about the HORROR of flying with Brianna—it took me like a week to recover and face the trauma!!!
So if you read my diary last week, you know we were flying to Indiana for mid-winter break and the airport was enough drama. We got up crazy early, Brianna wandered off during check-in, and she almost got us arrested when she attack-hugged a security dog…
I thought she might sleep on the plane. OMG, I couldn’t have been more wrong! She got all hyped up on doughnuts and hot chocolate before we even boarded!! And to make matters worse, this was her very first trip on a plane. (Thanks a lot, MOM.)
Then, of COURSE we didn’t have four seats all together in the same row, because each row had only three seats. Two of our seats were in an exit row, where they don’t let kids sit. So, my parents sat there and I was the one who had to sit with Brianna a few rows back!!!
She demanded the window seat, so I was stuck between her and this businessman who kept on elbowing me as he typed on his laptop.
“Why aren’t we flying?” she asked, two seconds after we sat down. People were still boarding the plane. “How about now? How about NOW? When are we going to flyyyyyyy????”
Mr. Laptop Guy was straight up trying to kill us WITH HIS EYES. I mean, geez. I wanted Brianna to shut up, too!! But why was he glaring at ME???
Once everyone was seated, the flight attendants started their speech about what to do when the plane crashes into the ocean. I’m not going to lie, this speech makes me nervous. So I KINDA understood when Brianna freaked out.
But girlfriend took it to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL!
“Is my seat belt tight enough? Promise you’ll do my air mask first, Nikki! A water landing? WHERE’S MY LIFE VEST?!!”
Then Brianna got OUT of her seat, even though the plane was already moving, and climbed onto the floor. She pulled out the life vest attached to the bottom of her seat.
“She can’t do that!” the businessman huffed, looking up from his laptop.
“Yeah, well you’re not supposed to be on your computer during takeoff, either!” I shot back. But I only said it inside my head, so nobody heard it but me. 🙂
I yanked Brianna back to her seat and fastened her seat belt. But, have you ever tried to put an airplane seatbelt on a kid wearing a life vest???
“Brianna, we’re flying from New York to Indiana. There will NOT be a water landing.”
“You don’t know that for sure!” she whined.
“What about lakes?? And rivers??? And…and…swimming pools!”
Okay, she had a point there. But crashing into a swimming pool sounded better than another minute sitting next to Brianna on a plane!
“Look Brianna, if you chill out, I’ll let you play Princess Sugar Plum: Adventures On Baby Unicorn Island on my cell phone.”
Brianna didn’t have time to decide whether or not I was serious (I totally was!). Because right then, the plane lifted off the ground. If you’ve never flown on a plane before, it’s a lot like a rollercoaster going up a huge hill.
Brianna felt it. And she started to SCREAM!
“Would you PLEASE tell her to be quiet?!” the businessman hissed. “Sorry,” I mumbled. “Brianna, hey! Look at me! We’re okay! You wanted to fly! We’re flying! Like…like fairies! Like…unicorns!”
“Unicorns don’t fly,” said a woman from behind me. Who was NOT helping.
(And I KNOW unicorns don’t fly, but this was a stressful situation, okay???)
“Um, is she all right?” said a flight attendant, gripping the businessman’s seat. I don’t think she was supposed to be walking around yet, but Brianna’s screams were hard to ignore.
“Um, not really…” I groaned.
“Is she…wearing her life vest?”
This flight attendant had a really strong grasp on the OBVIOUS!!!!
“I’d like a different seat,” the businessman snarled.
“Brianna, honey, why are you screaming?” My mom was now standing up in her row and calling back to us.
“Ma’am, please sit down!” called the flight attendant.
“That’s my daughter!”
And then Brianna stopped screaming, pointed out the window, and said, “Ooooh, pretty clouds!”
After that, the businessman switched seats with my mom and Brianna only screamed again when the plane ride got a little bumpy. And when someone flushed the toilet on the plane. And when we were landing. And when it took ten minutes to get off the plane. And, in the airport when Dad wouldn’t let her RIDE on the baggage carousel with the suitcases.
You know when she finally fell asleep?In the rental car, as we were pulling into my mom’s friend’s driveway!
“Oh, she’s sleeping like a little angel,” my mom’s friend cooed, looking in the window at her.
HA!! If she’s an angel, maybe she can fly herself home! Because I’M sure not sitting next to her on the way back!!! 🙁