January 21, 2014 THE THREE MOST EMBARRASSING WORDS MY MOM HAS EVER SAID Why do I feel like my life is one giant chain of HUMILIATING events? Oh yeah, because IT IS! And my parents make sure of it. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that on the day I was born, my mom looked at my slimy, pink face and said, “Welcome to the world! You have about 29,000 days ahead of you, and I promise to embarrass you on EVERY SINGLE ONE!” So what horribly mortifying thing happened this time? Let me give you three words: Did you go? OK, so that didn’t really tell you anything! I guess I should back up a little. Yesterday after school I was planning to go on a long drive with my mom to visit a friend of hers in a town that’s two hours away. I REALLY didn’t want to go, but my mom didn’t want to do the drive alone, so she kept trying to convince me with not even slightly enticing things, like… Bethany has a daughter close to your age! Well, SORT of close. She’ll be 14…in 5 years! You have a lot in common with Bethany! You both like peanut butter and TV! Bethany’s making her famous liverwurst, and she can’t wait to teach you her recipe! Finally I said, “OK, I’ll go!” just to stop the torturous list of reasons I’d likely be BORED out of my skull! (Bad logic, I know…) I knew we were planning to leave around 3:30, but I really wanted to call Brandon before we left because he was out sick from school, and I wanted to tell him what he missed in biology. Right before I picked up the phone to dial his number, I imagined how our call would go: ME: Hi Brandon. Hope you’re feeling better! I took really good notes in class today so you wouldn’t get behind. BRANDON: I’m feeling a lot better now! I’m so lucky to have a friend like you! ME: Me too! I mean, lucky to have a friend like you, not me. I’m not my own friend. That would be weird. I mean, I like myself and all, but well, you know what I mean! (Even in my imagined conversations I’m a TOTAL dork!) I picked up the phone, hoping things would go a lot more smoothly than that, but boy, was in for a rude surprise! He picked up after only one ring. That was two less than I was planning for, so I actually gasped before saying hi. (I don’t know why I get so nervous calling him!!) Then I cleared my throat and said, “Hi Brandon. It’s…” Before I could say “Nikki,” I heard my mom on the line saying, “We’re leaving in five minutes, Nikki! Did you go?” Totally caught off guard, I said, “What?” Then she said, “Did you go? To the bathroom? It’s going to be a long drive!” I was super annoyed that she felt the need to jump into my call to ask me this. I mean, even if it wasn’t my crush on the phone, does ANYONE need to know whether I recently peed?? I said, “Be off the phone in a minute. Hang up, please!!” in a super annoyed voice that I was trying to make sound nice. Then she said, “OK, but don’t forget to go!” I knew I only had a few minutes to talk to Brandon, and I really wanted to say something cute or witty, but I didn’t know how to rebound from that! So instead, I said, “Um, well, I guess I should go. I mean, like, hang up. Not go go. I already went earlier!” I was making it way worse! I couldn’t bear a super awkward silence, so I said, “OK, well, bye!” and then hung up. Then I wished I’d said something, anything before rushing him off the phone! I was THIS CLOSE to bailing on the visit since I was totally annoyed with my mom. Then I remembered how clueless she is. She honestly has NO IDEA that she’s so completely embarrassing! Do any of you have a parent who embarrasses you like mine??