May 20, 2014 WHAT MY MOM SAID WHEN I ASKED FOR NEW SUMMER CLOTHES I cannot believe what my mom just told me. She is SO weird sometimes! Tomorrow is May 21st, which is one month before summer officially starts. (Yeah, I’m counting down the days!) I was really hoping my mom would give me $100 for some new summer clothes, especially since my favorite shorts have a huge hole in them, and it’s way too big to be trendy, and I don’t have a third leg to put in it. But I know my mom always comes up with lame excuses not to give me money for stuff…and it’s usually something totally disgusting, because she knows I’ll get grossed out and change the subject. When I asked her for money for art supplies last month, she told me, “Maybe next month, dear. My foot fungus is getting worse and the medicated cream is REALLY expensive!” And when I asked her for some cash to get a haircut last week, she said, “Sorry, dear. Your father needs to get his back waxed.” So this time, I figured I’d give her a month’s notice so she’d have plenty of time to buy whatever nasty stuff she needs and STILL cough up the cash for my new summer threads! To make sure she would be in an extra good mood when I asked her, I decided to cook dinner last night. I HATE cooking dinner. There’s a ton of stuff I’d rather be doing, like repeatedly poking my eyeball with a Q-tip or counting all the little lint balls I find on the carpet. But I figured this would show her I’m helpful and thoughtful, and I totally deserve a wad of cash. I figured WRONG! Not only did this not work, she beat me to it before I could even ask for the money. After dinner, she said, “Great job, dear! We’re so lucky to have a thoughtful daughter who helps out without expecting anything in return! Good thing, too, because grandma needs help paying for her hemorrhoid removal surgery.” (Ewwww!) There was NO WAY I was letting this one go…not after all the hard work I’d put into that dinner! So I said, “That’s so thoughtful of you, taking care of Grandma’s butt like that. Speaking of my butts, did you know that every pair of shorts I own has a hole or a stain on the back? Man, I sure hate asking you guys for money. Looks we have to buy me some new stuff for the summer, though, huh?” And that’s when she said it: “That does sound like a problem. Hey, I have an idea! Let’s go up to the attic together. I have boxes of clothes from when I was your age. I’m sure we can find you some cute shorts up there!” THAT was her solution! I would rather dumpster dive for discarded clothes from homeless people than wear stuff my mom wore two decades ago! Seriously, she has horrible taste AND she’s cheap. I wouldn’t be caught dead in her hand-me-downs! I absolutely HAVE TO get this money. And this time, I’m not just being dramatic. It’s either dirty, holey old shorts, or I become a mini Mom! What do you guys think I should do? I could really use your help!