Dear Nikki,
I’m having a HORRIBLE day!! And, it’s all YOUR fault!!
So, I decided to write in to YOUR advice column and put you on BLAST in front of the entire WORLD.
And, YES! I personally drew the artwork for this letter (well, except for the very first one above, which I borrowed from YOU because you drew my eyes as beautiful as they really are!) because I’m a WAY better artist than YOU ever were. Everyone knows you CHEATED to win the Avant Guarde Art competition back in September and I should have WON!
I’m so angry right now I could just…
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!
Today at lunch, I was completely torn between the tofu salad and the tofu burger since I’m very particular about what I eat.
I finally decided on the Teriyaki Tofu Salad with honey ginger dressing and a chilled bottle of Mountain’s Peak spring water.
WHY? Because the tofu burger had a huge, nasty FLY buzzing around it. And, it totally reminded me of YOU, Nikki!! EWWW!!
Anyway, just as I was about to sit down at the CCP table (because I’m the QUEEN of the Cool, Cute and Populars!! Jealous much, Nikki!!), I noticed my BFF, Jessica, and ALL of my other friends laughing hysterically at a VIDEO of some STUPID girl FREAKING OUT with a BUG in her hair!!
I was DYING to watch it and LAUGH at her too.
Until I realized SHE was ME :-(!…
ME, COMPLETELY IN SHOCK THAT MY CCP FRIENDS WOULD LAUGH AT ME IN THAT HORRIBLE VIDEO WITH THE BUG STUCK IN MY HAIR!
Suddenly, my stomach started to feel very SICK and QUEASY.
Yes, it was partially due to the flashback of that nasty fly buzzing around the tofu burger I almost ATE! Yuck! But, most of my NAUSEA came from watching that VIDEO of ME having a MELTDOWN with the bug in my hair!!
I could NOT believe my BFF, Jessica, and my CCP friends would actually STAB me in my back like this.
I have never been so utterly HUMILIATED in my ENTIRE LIFE!!
OMG!! My reputation at this school is RUINED!!
I’m so upset right now I could just…
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!
So, Nikki, would you like to know why I HATE you so much?!
NO. You DON’T want to know?
Well, Miss Smarty Pants! I’m going to tell you ANYWAY!! So, just deal with it!
Here’s my list. The SHORT one.
Go ahead Nikki! READ MY LIST!….
10 REASONS WHY I HATE YOU!!
1. You CHEATED to WIN the Avant-garde Art show!!
2. You totally RUINED my birthday party by SABOTAGING the chocolate fountain!!
3. You competed in the TALENT SHOW and landed a RECORD DEAL even though your application was INCOMPLETE (like WHO names their band, “Actually, I’m Not Really Sure Yet!”)!!
4. You WON the Holiday on Ice show and EVERYBODY knows that you CAN’T ice skate!
5. You TOILET-PAPERED my house on New Year’s Eve!!!!
6. You tricked me into DIGGING through a DUMPSTER filled with GARBAGE in my designer dress at the Sweetheart Dance!
7. You actually KISSED my FBF (Future Boyfriend) BRANDON for charity!
8. You pretended to be seriously HURT during dodgeball so that I would get DETENTION (which, BTW, could totally RUIN my chances to get into an Ivy League university)!
9. You put a nasty STINK BUG in my hair!!
And, the HORRIBLE THING, that I just found out TODAY…
10. You’ve completely RUINED my reputation and HUMILIATED me because now the ENTIRE SCHOOL is passing around that awful VIDEO of me having a meltdown about the BUG that YOU put in my hair!!!!!!
I am so NOT making this stuff up!!
It’s quite obvious you’re trying to completely DESTROY my life!!
OMG! What if I become as UNPOPULAR as YOU are?! Just the thought of it makes me want to VOMIT again (like I did in French class). UGH!!!!!
Things are SO bad at this school that ONE of us has to GO!
It’s either YOU!! Or…ME!!
And, if Principal Winston won’t KICK you out of this school for RUINING MY LIFE…
I’M GOING TO GET RID OF YOU MYSELF!
And, I mean it!!
I’ve had it up to HERE with you, Nikki Maxwell!
You are NOT going to get away with this.
Just admit it! If YOU were ME, you’d HATE yourself TOO!!
By the WAY, I don’t actually NEED any advice from YOU, Nikki!!
I can get more intelligent advice from my stupid pet poodle, FIFI!!
But, I can GIVE you some advice…
You better watch your back, Hon!
Because I’M about to make YOUR life a living NIGHTMARE!!!
And, I’ll be writing about it all in YOUR…er, I mean, MY diary!
All of your DORKY little friends here (and the ENTIRE world!!) will FINALLY be able to read MY SIDE OF THE STORY on June 2nd.
So, here is a question I have for EVERYONE reading this (Yes, this means YOU!):
If Nikki Maxwell is so NICE, FRIENDLY and DORKY, then WHY did she do all of the MEAN and NASTY things to me on my list?!
COME ON, PEOPLE! I’M WAITING FOR YOUR ANSWER….!!!!
(**Impatiently drumming fingers on my desk as I wait and hear only crickets**)
If you have a LAME EXCUSE for why your little friend TERRORIZES ME, please post it in the comments because I want to read it.
Go ahead and post nasty comments about me because, personally, I don’t care! YOU will NEVER hurt MY feelings because I’M the QUEEN OF MEAN!
You guys are lucky you don’t know what I’M saying about YOU behind YOUR backs!!
SEE YA!! WOULDN’T WANT TO BE YA!!
TOODLES,
P.S.
Dear Lionsgate Movie Team,
Do you know who should play MacKenzie in the upcoming Dork Diaries movie?!!
ME! That’s who, you IDIOTS!!!
Only someone as PERFECT as ME can play someone as PERFECT as ME!!
Don’t HATE me because I’m BEAUTIFUL! Just have YOUR people call MY people!!